Lo Siento, No Sé.

Of Jumping and Falling

I don’t know what happened, but lately, whenever I descend this particular flight of MMDA stairs as I rush to school, I’ve been feeling uneasy. I try to keep my cool but deep inside my heart beats faster and louder. I try to brush off the irrational fear, but it’s there. I’m scared of falling.

Strange, because I don’t feel the same going up, or even going down the other side as I go home after a day at work. Maybe it’s because the pace is faster in the morning, when everybody is in a rush to beat the bell and are more likely to bump you, which will lead to you falling down the stairs (yes, it’s just my imagination but it CAN happen!).

Stranger still, is the fact that I know that if I were asked to jump, I could (and I actually might, depending on what or how much is at stake, hehe). Add to that the fact that through these years, I have climbed and jumped from several places like this,

(That's not my tummy bulging, just the ribboned strings of the shorts under my top, silly.)

this,

and more.

Which led me to thinking as I was going down those stairs oh-so-carefully one day: What is the difference between falling and jumping? And I figured, a lot. Both are risky, but one, to me, is more acceptable than the other:

Jumping, no matter how crazy it may seem sometimes (provided that the person is sane, not gullible, has a good self-esteem and is not self-destructive), is done with one’s own safety in mind. Falling disregards, or simply does not afford you time for, that.

Jumping is voluntarily taking on a challenge; falling is merely a result of being clumsy or being pushed unexpectedly.

Jumping is springing into action; falling is becoming a victim of chance.

Jumping is being responsible for the outcome; falling gives one a chance to simply point an accusing finger.

Jumping has a goal, a direction; falling is simply allowing gravity and other forces to decide for you.

Jumping leads to other actions/ activities; falling leaves you stumped after.

Jumping is an informed decision; falling is not.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I, too, have fallen. Many times. And despite the scratches, scars and bruises, the falls have helped me in some ways; like the way falling from the Kamias tree had helped wean me from thumb-sucking when I was 6, those sorts of helpful things.

 

(Good thing that pineapple plant wasn't there yet! And don't be puzzled, back then it had big branches starting at mid-section - see the cut one at the left side?)

           I guess I just don’t like the cluelessness, the naivete, the helplessness, the “blindness” and most of the time the (pardon the word) stupidity, of falling. In normal situations, nobody wills himself to fall, unless he is self-destructive or the gullible type (but the presence of "will" makes it still an informed decision, which makes it a jump already and it’s negative consequence a pre-conceived one; negative cancels negative, so it will still come up positive for the person if he achieves his aim to hurt himself, right? Oh, but we digress). Falling can be destructive. That’s why even though I don’t always fight it, I don’t look forward to it either.

So as I go down those stairs I will walk slowly, watch my step or hold on to the railings to keep myself from falling. But yes, I might jump, if you ask me to. Let’s just make sure first that I’ll have a soft landing or that the stakes are high. And that you’ll jump with me.   

Fun Run

     We’d been there before, as volunteer marshals for the International Marathon for the Pasig River Rehabilitation Project. This morning, though, it was a bit different. We were actually going to run.

     Vanessa was prompt as usual, and gave me a call at around 4:10am. By 4:30 they were already parked in front of the building, waiting for me. Mahigpit talaga sa schedule ang babaeng ito, hindi ako makalusot! Three of us didn’t have the time to pre-register so we had to be at The Fort early and when we got there, we were told that there were REALLY no more slots since a lot of people had taken interest in the event and were lined up in the waiting list. A little later, while we were contemplating on just being the best cheerleaders for our three companions who pre-registered, we were told that there were available slots. In the 16K run. We went there for the 3K run, but decided to register for the 16K just the same. Our primary purpose was to contribute to the fund-raising and join in the fun, so it really didn’t matter what category we joined. When we reached the registration table, it turned out that we were being registered for the 3K run (thank goodness!) and I was to be the owner of the last available number. I felt bad for those who were behind me in the line, but I was happy to be lucky.

     It rained as the run was about to start. It has been a long time since we last played in the rain, and I guess everyone felt that it was a welcome déjà vu. That, combined with active imagination, sense of humor, playful nature and the references to the past retreat made the run really fun. After the run, we decided to alternate while waiting in line for the certificates, and change into dry clothes in Yance’s car. Two men chatting in front wouldn’t budge despite seeing what we’re about to do and just giggled instead, so we just covered the windshield with extra shirts. One of us decided to “stand her ground” and changed sans any cover, making those two too embarrassed to look. That wasn’t I, by the way. What I am guilty of, I will not say, but the tarpaulin was really nice.

      With Elsie, Krissy, Julie, and Reyett in this activity, I agree with Vanessa. It was a win-win experience for us, as we were able to contribute to a good cause, experience again how it is to bathe in the rain like children, spend time with friends, exercise, bring home souvenirs and pictures and, in her words, let people know that there are beautiful women in the Philippines. Now that’s the true fighting spirit! Hehe.

     Looking back, what I like most I guess is the fact that when we went there, we knew what we wanted. We knew what we were there for, and we did not simply give up without asking, without trying. If we did, we would have missed all the fun of creating our moment and actually living it. We’d been there before, but now it’s different.